Paula Froelich

North Korea Launched its 3 stage rocket this eve - and it failed. Here’s why

1. King Jong Un rerouted the money that should have gone to completing the rocket into continuing daily deliveries of Big Macs and Hennessey. Hence, the rocket was completed with cow dung and peasants.

2. The North Koreans are still working off of 10 year old Pakistani plans.

3. Kin Jong Un decided at the last minute he didn’t want to piss off Hillz (who blocked him from her twitter account) and willed the rocket to fall apart. He’s now writing a musical to get her back.

4. Contrary to popular belief, mixing pop rockets with coke isn’t a suitable alternative for jet fuel, which fyi, is REALLY expensive these days.

From my piece in Gourmet on the salt road:

These days, salt may be easier to procure and less precious in our estimations, but in many ways, the journey made in northwestern Africa by this essential mineral is just as treacherous as it was in the Middle Ages. And the dangers to those transporting salt—including robbery and death from exposure or thirst—persist, as well. This winter, I retraced some of this same terrain in central Mali, traveling by car over the course of three weeks. Little did I know that in the months to come, a military coup and rebel battles would overtake the nation, introducing new risks and effectively doing what plains, trains, and automobiles couldn’t do: kill the Salt Road. [As of our date of publication, April 11, no one is allowed in or out of the Tuareg rebel–controlled areas.]

And some pics:

National Geographic and it’s sister TV channel, seem to have a communication problem. National Geographic, the society and magazine, rail against hunting endangered species and claims to “inspire people to care about the planet since 1888” - it even has Blue Fin Tuna under it’s Threatened Marine Species Photo Album.

But the channel doesn’t seem to be on board with the whole “save the planet and endangered species” crap. It has a news series, Wicked Tuna, which not only hunts the endangered species, it glamorizes it. From the show description:

Fishing is a hard life, and harder with bluefin stocks depleted. In Gloucester, Massachusetts, there’s a special breed of fishermen. For generations they’ve used rod and reel to catch the elusive bluefin tuna. They depend on these fish for their livelihood, and the competition is brutal.

Over the next 10 weeks, the most skilled fishermen will set out in the frigid waters of the North Atlantic in hopes of catching the valuable bluefin tuna. When one bluefin can bring in as much as $20,000—they’ll do whatever it takes to hook up.

It’s like the Whale Wars and Alaska fishing show episode of “South Park” has come to life - in the most inappropriate way. Ratings, maybe… Ethics, none.

Rick Santorum finally took his ball and went home - albeit without endorsing eventual nominee Mitt Romney… and also having the balls to ask Romney (without endorsement) to help pay off his debt (as in - you pay, you get my endorsement? WTF?). the reax:

Mitt Romney

Senator Santorum is an able and worthy competitor, and I congratulate him on the campaign he ran. He has proven himself to be an important voice in our party and in the nation. We both recognize that what is most important is putting the failures of the last three years behind us and setting America back on the path to prosperity.”

What he meant to say:

See you, suckah! Have fun paying off your debt, gasbag!

Newt Gingrich:

“Rick has waged a remarkable campaign. His success is a testament to his tenacity and the power of conservative principles. I am committed to staying in this race all the way to Tampa so that the conservative movement has a real choice. I humbly ask Senator Santorum’s supporters to visit Newt.org to review my conservative record and join us as we bring these values to Tampa. We know well that only a conservative can protect life, defend the Constitution, restore jobs and growth and return to a balanced budget.”

What he meant to say:

I’d quit too but Callista threatened to leave me if I did. But damn, man, I’m broke - first the Tiffany bill and now this? I’m open to your sloppy seconds, though…

Herman Cain

I’m certain ‘family first’ contributed to @RickSantorum’s decision to suspend his campaign. I greatly respect him for that.

What he meant to say:

Back to me….

Michelle Bachmann:

Thank you @RickSantorum 4 running a great campaign. I respect & appreciate ur contribution 2 the race. Wish you & ur family all the best.

What she meant to say:

sparkly scarves and pretty dresses and ponies and unicorns and kittens…