Paula Froelich

1. Burkhas suck.

• Even in 38 degree freezing cold, it’s still hot under there thanks to the non natural fibers.
• You trip all over them.
• the face thing slips and cuts off your eye sight.
• You’d better have good breath because that’s all you smell.
• you start to feel really, really claustrophobic.
• It’s cool for men to get all these travel shows and do all this cool shizz but if you haven’t done it with the added weight of a burkha, I got no respect for you.
• you feel like a blind, anonymous yet threatening raven.

2. Yet Crazy People will still want to dance with you.

3. It’s hard to smoke/eat/drink in a burkha:

4. Giraffes love burkhas:

5. So does Michael Caine:

6. Mickey Mouse loved the burkha so much he grabbed my boob. Not kidding. Parents, you have been warned.

7. Dora was better (those are all dudes under those costumes. weird, old dudes. Its kind of creepier than being in a burkha, frankly):

8. Fox News and burkhas don’t mix:

8. You can still get picked up in a burkha. This dude asked me out and said, “You’re beautiful!” Made my day. Also - how did he know?

9. I flipping love New York. I love the United States of America. I love not having to wear one of those things every day/at all. I love even more that the paranoia and freakiness/hatred that spews out of our TV is not what I experienced today (except for that table of people at TGI Fridays, but whatever).

Now that Kim Jong Il’s 70th birthday celebration has been… canceled, don’t fret, you can still go to North Korea and see this fabulousness. Below, an actual email I received from Koryo Tours, North Korea’s tour operators on the States:

And yes, it’s actually called The Heavy Metal Tour of North Korea:

For the past two decades, Koryo Tours has been opening North Korea to tourism, and in 2012 we are once again breaking new ground. After working closely with our Korean partners, we are proud to offer both our group and independent tourists the chance to go where no visitor has ever been, namely factories and similar sites around Nampo, the west coast port city not far from Pyongyang. Here’s a brief introduction to what is on offer:

 

 [Ed Note: I love how North Koreans think someone wants to spend their vacation like this. Touring  steel factories, tool complexes and glass factories]

Chollima Steelworks - A major heavy industry site for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), this place was built by the Japanese and is known to Koreans as the birthplace of the Chollima movement, which even today drives the country. If you’ve always wanted to witness the making of ‘Juche Steel’ in a giant facility, come to Nampo with us. This is the DPRK’s most famous factory, and as always, Koryo Tours are the first company to be allowed to take tourists inside. But Koryo has its own Chlima connection; we can tell you about the art project we arranged at the steelworks as well as the scenes we shot there for our new feature film!

 

Tae’an Heavy Machine Tool Complex - This enormous complex boasts a number of hangar-sized buildings; we will see the vast range of machine tools, lathes and so on that the workers use to make shaped steel, turbine components, and other products.

 

Tae’an Glass Factory - This opened in 2005 with heavy Chinese investment, in fact, the Peoples’ Republic of China President Hu Jintao attended the opening ceremony along with DPRK leader Kim Jong Il. Tae’an produces glass and glass products for the domestic market. Koryo tourists will be the first visitors ever to watch the process from smelting to sheet-cutting, and even try to break a sheet of strengthened glass!

 

Nampo Taekwondo School - Many of the DPRK’s champion martial artists have been educated at this school, despite looking from the outside like it badly needs some maintenance the demonstration put on by the students here (aged from 6 - 16) is a mind-blowing masterpiece of the indigenous Korean fighting style - it’ll make you think twice about arguing with little girls in future!

 

Nampo Park - With a scenic view over the mouth of the Taedong River, as well as a fresh-water swimming area ideal for warmer months, this is a great place to relax or have a picnic. A popular wedding photography site, this picturesque park makes a pleasant diversion after the heat and noise of the factories.

 

As if factories, martial arts schools and rustic settings aren’t enough, we can also take you to a local restaurant in the city centre, an orphanage, and you can cap off the trip by visiting the nearby 8km-long West Sea Barrage and staying overnight at the Ryonggang Hot Spa Guesthouse

 

Keeping with our tradition of travel innovation, Koryo Tours would love to show you the face of DPRK no visitor has seen before. Come see the world’s most mysterious country with the only DPRK specialists around; contact us on info@koryogroup.com or pop in and see us if you’re in Beijing or Shanghai. For anyone planning a DPRK trip, whether it’s your first visit or you’re coming back for more, Koryo Tours is glad to offer you the chance to do and see more than ever before. We look forward to hearing from you!

 

We are adding these new attractions to the following tours, so if you’ve ever wanted to see

Juche Steel (it’s a real thing!) being made, watch a load of sand turn to glass, see North Koreans operating lathes of all kinds, and see a young child beat up several surly attackers then one of these tours could be perfect for you!

Prada: It’s just so rock n roll! Miuccia Prada is out of her ever loving mind - this time for reals. The most un-customer friendly brand in the universe (If you’ve ever gotten a Prada gift that you don’t really like and tried returning it… then you know what I’m talking about) has come up with the most absurd way for you to spend your money: punk rock teddy bear accessories! Found in the Soho Prada store:

Its like a tiny little plush David Lee Roth on a keychain, for only $185!

and more crap for $185: a skull-esque keychain/bag fob and tacky guitar cuff links that have been done by, oh, everyone:

For the second time in five years they’ve named me Person of The Year. Its starting to get a little embarrassing…

2006:

2011:

They’re kind of obsessed with me. (or with not being controversial and picking ONE SINGLE GODDAMN PERSON like they’re supposed to).

Our man in Russia, Vladimir Putin, is so manly he can’t just let one woman corner all of his sexiness - it wouldn’t be the humanitarian thing to do.

Yes, he’s supposed to be be married to Lyudmilla, who may or may not have been disposed of. Yes, he’s “very close friends” with Olympic rhythmic gymnast, Alina Kabayeva (ed note: rhythmic gymnastics is an OLYMPIC sport? somehow I must have missed that as I was watching the Olympic curling/pingpong/tetherball matches).

And now, Putin is sharing his love friendship with yet another comely young lass: 27 year old blonde bombshell, Maria Kozhevnikova, a siberian hottie whom Putin just appointed to Parliament. Side note: She also was interested in rhythmic gymnastics for a time. Not kidding. (WTF is up with these rhythmic gymnasts in Russia? Who knew it was such a  fast track to the top!). Below, Maria’s cover for Russkie Playboy:

Maria defends her sexy man and said:

“”I’ve had sex seen Putin close up several times and I want to say that this man has very strong vibes… I’ve watched how people have changed when they got close to Putin, not because they are afraid, but because they feel a calm and strong confidence. Because of this, the West is afraid of him, and that is understandable.”

I had a team of scientific specialists break down the components of Eau De Snooks, and this is what they found it was comprised of:

• body odor
• booze
• Bonne Bell Lip Gloss
• vomit 
• sweat
• Axe Body Spray
• semen
• a touch of freesia

Just saying…

And now a poster from the Wyoming Meth Project

The Michelle Bachmann edition… (she looks FANTASTIC!)

Just three short years ago….

And now…

Just in time for 2012!

Reports surfaced today that Lyudmilla - Sex bomb Putin’s long suffering wife of many years has been “disposed” of:

“A new rumor is spreading through his cabinet that she is locked away in a psych ward somewhere outside of Moscow,” one Russian society source told Flash. “Blogs in Russia have claimed he divorced her years ago, but keeps her around for twice-a-year dog-and-pony shows.”

Our Moscow mouthpiece added that Putin’s alleged extramarital affairs have led some in his cabinet to compare him to Ivan the Terrible, Russia’s brutal 16th-century czar who went through seven consorts, some of whom were either murdered or sent to convents when they displeased him.

Other rumors are that Putin divorced Lyudmilla in favor of his rhythmic gymnast love, Alina:

Alina is a bit of a celebrity, especially now that people say she has officially married the hero of all Russia. She’s even done the covers of Russian Maxim and Vogue:

Is it me - or does she kind of look like rachel ray?